Thursday, September 15, 2011

Hey Bookah! Smart Asura Answers to Stupid Questions

The asura are known throughout Tyria for their analytical approach to life and the pragmatic way they handle problems. Who is better suited to dispensing doses of wisdom to the cranially challenged than an asura advice columnist?
Dear Hey Bookah,
As an engineer, I enjoy tinkering with gadgets and gear, like my new Lemonade Turret. The trouble is, my lemonade ends up tasting like gunpowder and machine oil. What am I doing wrong?
Arid in Ascalon
Hey Arid Bookah!
You’re doing nothing wrong!
Only the small-minded and pedantic would insist that rotary-delivered lemonade taste like previous, outmoded versions! Turn your mind to proper marketing, I say! You don’t have a lemonade turret; you have fresh, lemon-scented ammunition! Brilliant!
When life gives you lemons, shoot them back at life at high velocity.
Dear Hey Bookah,
I’m a handsome young human warrior who has fallen in love with a cute girl, but she only wants to love me for my mind. How can I convince her that my muscles are as cool as my brain?
Lonely in Lion’s Arch
Hey Lonely Bookah!
You poor, poor, doomed thing.
In any battle between brains and muscle, brains will be the ultimate victor. You may be good for lifting heavy objects, but she will ultimately throw you over for the first genius that can calculate the differential vector of a curve that comes her way.
Take heart, though. If she wants you for your mind, she can’t be that smart to start with.
Dear Hey Bookah,
Grawl keep eating all my cabbage crops! I didn’t know they even liked cabbage. What can I do to keep these things out of my yard?
Hungry in Hoelbrak
Hey Hungry Bookah!
I’d recommend scattering land mines randomly throughout the field and mounting automatic flame protectors with motion-sensitive hair triggers at all corners.
Then spray the remains with a virulent plague virus.
Oh, you want to eat the cabbages yourself? Do I have to think of everything?
Dear Hey Bookah,
I’m a human elementalist who runs with a couple of Blood Legion charr warriors. These big tough charr always complain whenever I attune to water – they say they don’t need the healing and that the humidity makes their hair frizzy. What can I say to convince these charr that water magic is good for them?
Exasperated Elementalist
Hey Exasperated Bookah!
What is this “runs with” nonsense?
Charr are larger than you are, and therefore dumber (this is a proven fact – this is why asura are shorter than you, and far, far smarter). You should not be “running with” the Blood Legion. You should be driving them before you, more terrified of your mystic spray bottle than of any foe they face.
If that doesn’t work, I know where you can get a Lemonade Turret for cheap.

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